The Hypochondriac

I wasn’t very well all through last week,

My pulse has been erratic, so to speak,

I had my ‘flu jab recently, and so,

I can’t be heading for the ‘flu, I know;

And yet I sneezed quite often yesterday,

My throat feels dry……..it fills me with dismay.


I’m sure it is an unkind thing to do,

To name my woes and pass them on to you!

My throat, could it be cancer? I hope not!

Though in my early years I smoked a lot.

I had a touch of gout a few years back;

Too much wine will risk a new attack.


I lost a kidney thirty years ago;

I’ve just one left and if that one should go,

I’d soon be in my coffin – a grim thought,

Spare ones for love nor money can’t be bought.

I’m off my food, perhaps I’m diabetic?

I’ve told my doc, but he’s unsympathetic!


Perhaps it’s just a feverish cold, “A-Choo!”

Don’t come too near to me or you’ll get it too!

When I go out my body’s all a shiver;

A sure sign of a failing liver,

Arthritis racks my body, my joints ache,

In spite of all the tablets that I take.


I can’t remember names, my poor old brain,

Won’t work well now with all this stress and strain!

My doctor doesn’t take me seriously.

“For your age Squire, you ‘re pretty fit you see!”

My neighbours sweep aside my “ifs and buts”,

Thay grin and say I’m just a worry guts!”


My kids ignore my fears; they don’t respond;

It’s just as if they lived “back of beyond”!

“A-choo, A-choo, A-choo” Does no-one care?

I’m shivering and shaking in despair!

I knew a chap who used to sneeze and cough,

It was pneumonia and it saw him off!


I’ll end up in hospital, I know,

And there I will await the final blow!

The nurses will work themselves to death;

They’ll do their best to fend off my last breath;

But when I pass out there’ll not be a fuss;

My bedside file will read: “Do not resus”!

Eric Gosney, Nov. 2013